Made an apple soufflé this morning. 307 calories for the whole thing. Super powers? I think so.
Looks like the power's gonna be off for the rest of the night...
Thank god for laptops & burned movies!
I'm not above stealing this food. In 2 minutes, one of us will pay. If you do not take this check, it will be you.
This is what it looks like, no matter what.
Sadly, this is all verifiably true.
A shopping cart full of jugs of wine. This should end well for you, sir.
Nothin says luxury like jumping your Audi cause you left it parked in the ghetto for too long without starting it.
Dear ppl responsible for Mtn Dew Distortion, Is it supposed to make your teeth cold in the middle? Cause it did.
Speaking of doppelgängers, @himymprod, I actually saw @BrosLife's a couple days ago. Meet Mormon Barney.
Oh please mean that was the last of the rain.
OMG #superfail. Why is my spare clown car yellow?! Ugh.
Awww man, #epicfail.
.@graphicphantom popped my tire on an invisible pothole. 
I want to send this very badly for some reason...
Just rented what appears to be a room in an insane asylum.
Solid plan, Safeway. Assume your customers know nothing about what they purchase, then work from there.
Uh, what's with the garlic powder on all of the stairs in our complex?
This old fat woman cannot stop checking out my dad on the train. I suspect she might only be on Bart to meet men.
At Little League Day at AT&T Park w/the fam. Better get to see a splash hit if I have to be behind enemy lines...
Just spotted: Milo Ventimiglia in She's All That. Look how young!
Looked myself up on Spokeo... Good to see credited to my good name: Kelis' "Bossy" lyrics & "Body Hair: A How-To".
Made morning buns for @graphicphantom. Locking in that Best Wife Ever vote early.
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Lauren

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